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I’m using this time as a time to look back over the progress I’ve made. One year ago today, i would’ve still been with my ex-wife, in a period of argument and difficulty, co-dependent, not in loving but trying to be, forcing myself to try and want things I didn’t want, spiritually empty, slothful, addicted to porn, and so much more. Not everything was bad back then, mind. Still, it wasn’t very great.
Today I’m with a girl that I’m very much in love with. We both live independently, but want to be together. We don’t need each other, and that makes us want each other that much more. We argue sometimes, that’s true, but it honestly feels like we’re out of whatever period of argument we went through. I’m spiritually progressing more than I can say. I’ve stopped accepting things blindly. If I’m going ot know something, and do something, it’ll be for me. I’m not going to have a religion with my life lost somewhere inside. I will have my life with my religion as a wonderful part of it. Since one year ago, I have lost 14” on my waist, lost 70 pounds, gained muscle and tone, changed my lifestyle completely, and am now happy. In the last four months, I have looked up porn three times. I know, it’s not perfect. I still haven’t totally broken the addiction, but if any of you reading this are porn addicts (and are trying to break the habit), you know three times in four months is a hella good sign of progress. I’m active, adventurous, and have overcome a lot of my depression and hardship. One year. One single year, and this is how far I’ve come. I wonder where I’ll be one year from now?
Please know that this is not a way to rale
or tell you that I love you any less.
The only purpose of these verses is
to show, and plea for what I now confess.
You see a world without its shades of gray.
To you, its always dark or always light.
That you are wrong is not for me to say.
I only say, for me, this isn’t right.
And now I pierce my ear or stain my skin
and suddenly it means I have not tried.
I do not think that thinking is a sin,
or that goodness comes in only shirts and ties.
Perhaps the things I do are truly wrong,
but the God I know says purpose lies in joy.
I’m doing the best to be the man I am.
I cannot be a drone in God’s employ.
Please know I always want to make you proud,
I want to make you see how well you’ve done.
But it must be me, and not some mask I wear
for your joy in me to be joy in your son.
I’m sorry if these words don’t come out right.
I hope you see more fully what I’ve meant.
I’m still trying, striving for the light,
though I make mistakes for which I must repent.
I’m not perfect, and I know I never will be.
I’m trying my best, though I do slip, all the same.
I hope some day you’ll be truly proud of me.
Not for what I do, but for who I truly am.
Masochism is the mind trying to claim mastery over the struggling spirit.
Let me elaborate.
There is an internal trinity.
There is the body, the mind, and the spirit.
We see this same trinity elsewhere.
ChristÃ¢â‚¬â€the body, come to earth.
GodÃ¢â‚¬â€the mind, dictating our patterns and reasons.
The Holy GhostÃ¢â‚¬â€giving guidance and comfort.
And of course, theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re all connected.
The internal trinity is similar.
Masochism is a man riding a horse.
The part riding the horse is the mind.
The horse is the spirit.
And there is a man. A man beyond the horse
who has wounded him, startled him.
This, by theory of elimination, must be the body.
Or the flesh, to put it in a better, more suiting way.
The horse becomes startled. We realize very quickly what has happened,
and our few options.
The horse is going out of control.
Will it attack? Will it run away? We have very few options.
We must struggle with the horse, or run from it.
Masochism gives us option C.
The man on the horse takes out a gun.
The horse rears up, threatening to destroy the man outside.
To trample him.
The man on the horse is also in danger.
Danger of being thrown off, thrown away.
This man puts the gun to the back of the horses head.
And then itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s done, with a single shot.
The other man has taken some damage, too.
Damage in the struggle here, in this instant,
but it is the sort that will vanish in only a few days.
The horse is not quite so lucky.
The horse collapses.
He is not dead.
He is only wounded.
Bleeding just a little.
In a week.
But heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll recover if heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s tended to.
This is masochism.
The internal trinity is a reflection of that above.
Only that GodÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s masochism is a different sort.
Instead of shooting the horse,
he turns aside from the flesh of man.
The spirit tramples.
The body is destroyed.
Is there a deeper symbolism here?
I wouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know.
Is there more to think about?
Perhaps you have things.
I am just explaining.
Explaining how I am different.
How I am different from God.
I long to, though, let the spirit ride free,
let my body be shatteredÃ¢â‚¬â€the rest latched to the back of the horse.
And IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll strive to, as well.
Strive to cling to that horse, and not be trampledÃ¢â‚¬â€or startle it.
But for now, the horse lies dead out in a field.
I sit alone with my flesh and wonder at the deed.
Out there somewhere, the spirit still bleeds,
because the horse was perfect, and refused to yield.
A great life, actually. Some things just really clear to me right now, and haven’t been for a while. I’m feeling very good, and pretty damn good about myself.
I can’t do too much if I want this to be brief, but I’ll go ahead and summarize. Steph (my girl) and I have been going through a hard time. A couple months of it, actually. If you look back at old entires. She did some things, before we were even in a relationship, actually, that made me feel really worthless, and pretty insecure. We went on a long hard road of argument and difficulty, depression and fear, and finally, for the first time in my life, I feel I was truly able to forgive someone. I forgave her. Found that strength, and afterwards, we both said how we felt like different people. For you to understand, I’d have to elaborate more, if you haven’t experienced it, but just trust me, eh? It’ll take a long time, and a lot of effort, to feel that things are completely forgiven, and completely gone, but for the first time in a while, things feel totally right again.
Afterwards, we felt (or realized) that some degree of our passion was gone. That somewhere in the course of all the arguing, we’d lost that. We were scared. Scared to death for about a day, and cried a lot. Cried together. We talked, talked about how much we love each other, and how strange it is to feel that change. We didn’t know if we would be all right.
Absolutely, we will be. I realized, we both did, that passion cannot be a 100% of the time sort of thing. That you just burn out if you try to do that. That we’ve both had a rough couple of months, and so we can’t expect absolute passion. That passion may not even be the best thing for us right now. And more than anything, we realized that our relationship went a lot deeper than that. That our care for each other runs so much deeper than just the passion we feel. That we have an incredibly strong friendship, and great compatibility, and so much to fall back on within the relationship. It’s so beautiful, how wonderful things are.
I have no doubt that there will be a lot of passion in the future for us. Just in its own time and in its own way. In a way, I’m greatful to have a break from it.
I can’t wait to marry this girl. I really hope it works out, and I’m quite confident it will. She has become my everything. I’m not saying I’m making the same mistakes of my past and investing everything in her (as I did with my ex-wife, becoming co-dependent). Just that her value in my life exceeds the value of everything else by so much that it seems that nothing else truly matters. My everything.
There were a lot of sweet lines as we were frightened, lying together, crying. We were confused. The great line, I think, was “If we wrote our story, would anyone believe it?” Everything feels surreal in a way. Or maybe just too good to be true.
Yeah, well so much for the summary. Hey, if you’re on this site, this forum, and my profile, it means you’re bored. If you’re not bored enough to feel up to reading a couple pages of stuff here, you should probably be doing something more useful with your time.
Probably the coolest thing in all my realizations was, this morning, when I was making all the realizations about what Steph and I have our relationship based off of, I took out my daily meditation book, and today’s was “Mate,” and its mantra read “Passion is but the precursor to years of perfect unfolding.” Pretty sweet, huh?
All this left me feeling like this is such a great opportunity to re-define myself, and take care of a lot of my pent up issues. I did an 8 page rant, and I made some choices. About my ex-wife, largely. She’s been in my mind still, even if she hasn’t been in my heart. And I realized today, facing things, that yeah, she was selfish. That yeah, she did not treat me right. She was scared, and she chose comfort for herself over comfort for me. She never did love me how I loved her, and I was never truly at the top of her priority list, even if she’d tried to make it so I was. Something else, usually sleep (for which she cancelled so many plans), took priority over me, and I deserve better. And I have better. I really do.
I’m very happy in life. I have to remember not to become too content, to keep living the adventure and striving to be more, but for now, this is an excellent break.
Have fun, all, and remember, don’t feel bad for how you feel. It’s good to feel things. Good to cry sometimes, and laugh other. Let’s you know you’re still alive. Let’s you see that you’re different, that we’re different from other things and creatures—that we contain that divine spark, and for that, life is truly worthwhile.
Okay, so I was supposed to have my first real acting gig. Paid, I mean. Sitcom. “Featured Extra.” But the casting director put one too many guys in, so they had to boot one. Which one? Me, of course. They didn’t give a reason it was me, but probably my appearance was what it was, you know? The other guys were taller, probably better looking. They didn’t say anything, but of course, I’m left to think “Am I just too fat? Am I just too ugly?”
In the end, though, I’m burning some bad karma. I know I’ve got a lot left in my left, and I’m building new bad karma every day. So this will help bring me balance with the universe, eh? And it’ll make me stronger. Just kinda pisses me off, you know?
Oh, and also, today is the three month anniversary with my girlfriend. Officially got together three months ago today, so that’s pretty sweet.
Caio, all. Force be with you or summat.
Yep. I do. Today I feel a bit . . . frozen. But it’s cool, because of one thing I’ve been keeping up on a lot more lately. That being . . .
Nifty, huh? Yeah. So I’m back into meditations and stuff. My mind is having a hard time processing some stuff right now. I don’t exactly know why. I should try to get stuff done tonight. I really should. Now I’m ranting. This isn’t an update at all!
Okay, so my girl and I did something really cool the other day. I’ll give you a hint. We went to a store. That store sold items which were made of precious gems and materials. We looked at these items, and tried to decide on the symbolism we would want for us. And our fingers. Or something.
Yeah, I lost myself, too. I feel really weird today. I’ll talk to you all later!
There is so much new in my life and my world that I cannot even begin to describe it in a journal entried entitled “brief update.” Therefore, I shall say that I am doing fine. Have fun!
Copyright © 2018 Rob Blair Writes