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Look at yesterday’s entry.

Yesterday’s entry is cooler than this, I think. I’m less numb now, btw. We’ll see how things progress. But I wrote this, and I thought I’d share it.

Most People

Most people don’t understand the sensation of waking up dead.
Of waking up and not knowing whether you have or not.
The sensation of staring at your ceiling for the entire day.
The desire for dreams where you can at least pretend to be real.

Most people just don’t get what it feels like when your heart goes numb.
Like novocain in the back of your head, spreading all the way down to your feet,
and liquid nitrogen drenching your all ready frigid soul.
Most people wouldn’t get it if I said “ice-age of existence.”

Most people don’t get how voices can worry “what if you don’t care?”
Because most people know when they care, or feel, or love.
Most people can feel the warmth of the sun when they’re in it.
And quite frankly, most people are lucky.

If you’ve ever smiled and laughed and not felt an ounce of it,
if you’ve ever screamed as loud as you can, just hoping you’ll feel,
if you’ve ever craved for that violin symphony of razor on wrist,
then I guess just know you’re not alone.

Open to commentary. Have fun, all!

My Mom Call me an S.O.B.

Hee hee. Man, it was great. Yesterday, my family was doing random acitvities together (family home evening, any o’ y’all who practice that sort of thing), and we were playing this rhythm rhyming game. And I used one of the illegal words, and my mom replied “there aren’t any words that rhyme with orange, you S.O.B.” Hee hee. It’s funny.

Anywho, I’m actually completely fucking numb today. No emotion at all. Any depression kids among you? Yeah, it’s that. It takes a lot to get my life in a steady balance, and I kinda skipped out for two days, and continually drained until now, I’m in a dark place filled with ice. My soul is frigid, struggling to be real. Pretty neat, huh? I think at least some o’ y’all will understand that.

Meantime, any of you keeping up on my life otherwise, I’m recovering brilliantly from my surgery, and looking forward to be able to lift weights again. My romance is going great, and this girl, Seraphim, is just incredible. I mean, obviously in my frigid state it’s tough to sense my own emotions, but man, I’m very tempted to use a word that I haven’t used in a long time to describe my emotions, eh? She almost slipped the same word last night. “Especially with someone I lo–” she said, flinched, looked away, and then said “with someone I care about as much as I care about you.” Things are going wonderfully, in that and every aspect of my life (other than today’s emotional numbness). So there you go. Can you detect that I might have emotional problems? Mood swings? Good for you. I’m going to go do stuff now. Bye.

I’m too clever for titles.

Yeah, so here’s my life update (because I know so many of you are waiting, every day, to see what I’ve been up to. The simple fact is that no one on here really cares what’s going on in my life, and I never got modded, and I hardly ever get messages. Regardless). Today I have been in a very pissy mood. I really wish I had someone I could fight with. I do actually have someone I could call, he’s always up for a fight, but he’s beat me 5/5 times, and he’s simply out of my league. Plus, I’m still recovering from surgery, so it probably wouldn’t be that good. I actually have two fights scheduled, which should be a blast. They should be pretty even, too.

I’ve been having a hard time dealing with a lot of things today. People are idiots. I’ve come to accept that fact.

Actually, things in my life really rock, despite my current mood. There’s a girl who I’m very interested in and who I really like, and somehow the feeling is mutual. You’re all saying “who cares” but for me, this is really nice. Regardless, we’ve been out twice now, and are planning to do things both tomorrow and the next day.

This has led me to try and control my baser urges a little bit. In other words, my conscience has attempted to spread into other areas of my life besides direct sin. For example, the voice will go something like this. Don’t you check out that girl, Rob. Don’t you do it. No, don’t you–aw, come on. orDon’t you look at that woman’s ass. Don’t you do it Rob. Come on, this shouldn’t be that–oh, for Buddah’s sake. Or something like Don’t you stare at that woman’s breasts, now, Rob. Don’t do it. Oh, jeese, Rob, you have no self control. Now stop staring. Come on, stop staring Rob. She’s realized you’re staring. Oh, come on!

I think that’s pretty much my update. I’m just kind of pissed off at the moment. In the kind of nice state where I don’t give a fuck about anything, including you and what you may be thinking. I’ll be back to nicer Rob by tomorrow, but this mood does have its advantages.

What I’ve Been Doing for Three Hours

Downing 12 glasses of Cranberry Cocktail as a Nicole Kidman look-alike sits on her computer half way across the globe, teaching me how to be seductive!

You can too! Ask me how.

Some poetry and stuff. Yo. Er, Dawg.

All right, so I did this MSN Myspace thing. Which is probably good if you want to know more about me. Also, I’m writing a blog there. I still haven’t figured out what the hell that is. What is a blog? What am I supposed to say? I mean, this a journal. I know what I’m supposed to say here. I tell what’s going on, and then I do other random stuff. That’s easy. But a blog–I don’t know, man, it just has me confused. Regardless, here’s the link. Check it out.
My MSN Space

And since I know that no one really goes through and reads the poems from the poetry section (either in books or art), I figured hell, I’ll show you some of my cool stuff here. And by cool stuff I mean poetry (perverts).

Here’s a poem that I wrote during some pretty tough times. (That was clarification in case any of you are kind of slow. It’s okay, I understand, I am too). +Mod if you like it.

Darkest Days

The thundering torrents and waves of fear
among a million other thoughts
swarm and envelope, fighting for supremacy.
Now I understand the symbolism of sleeping beauty.
I woke from dreaming to far greater dream,
yet after my salvation, I must fall to pain.
It seems my only hope is sleeping once again.

I suppose there are advantages,
to these, my darkest days.
If I survive, I’ll have empathy to everything.
At last, I understand real pain.
A broken heart, a thousand callous screaming voices
drowning out the soul.
And the way your wrists can hunger.

I suppose, then, the question that remains is
will I make it through? Is it even possible?
Where will I make it to?
Where is this prophesied path?
Where will it lead?

I walk on, tired and weary,
hoping only that some day the darkness will disperse,
my fear will dissipate,
and whatever path I find myself on,
will be something less than this tormented hell.

Yeah, I think that’s it. Message me and stuff. As of yet, I haven’t denied a friend request (though I try to at least talk to the person and figure out who they are, first). I’m pretty damn cool, so you should probably + mod me and worship me and stuff. I don’t know, though, it’s up to you.

Yours truly,
Rob Faeth
~Lost Azrael~

Legal Drugs! Whee!

So, my life is very good right now. Is it really? Well, not according to the details, but let’s take a look, shall we?

1–I’m on leave of absence for work.
2–AKA, I have no money and am behind on payments, and severely in debt.
3–I had surgery like two days ago and am in constant pain.
4–I’m living with my parents for the time being.

1–I just talked to a girl I like for about two hours (a bit less), and we’re planning on throwing her a toaster warming party.
2–My parents are totally taking care of me, and pretty much submitting to my every whim.
3–I just got some sweet birthday presents (Darth Tater is the best Mr. Potato head on the planet)
4–I’m totally getting legal drugs! Whee! Go percaset!

Yeah. So, in conclusion, though it may not seem that great, my life totally rocks right now. Hope all yours are going as well as mine! Have fun!


Not so happy of a birthday….

This is proof that my life is sad. I have no one I feel I can talk to about this, so I come to you, anonymous strangers (and Jeremy) here at RvB, to whine about my problems.

Regardless, it wasn’t a bad day. I woke up, and I was exhilirated. I said “Yay! It’s my birhday!”, and I thought about it, and lent some time to reflection and how far I’ve gotten in my life, and I thought to myself “today is the one day that’s just for you, Rob. Today is your holiday.” And that thought made me happy. The day was typical at best, though. I couldn’t afford any fancy meals, the people I know and care about were all busy, no one really seemed to care too much that it was my birthday, I got the sum total of two presents, one of which isn’t even a present (but I’m not materialistic, so that’s cool. Plus, they were sweet gifts). It just led me to think that, you know, no one really cares. No one wants to get excited for me and my accomplishments. Guess it’s just not worth bothering over. Kind of has me depressed.

*sighs* Yeah, so enough of that. On to my next subject.

Breasts. There is nothing truly pretty or attractive about breasts. A woman’s eyes, a woman’s smile or lips, that’s attractive. No, what the breasts are is mesmerizing. It doesn’t matter who you are, if you’re a male between the ages of thirteen and sixty five, even if you’re driving down the road going sixty, if a woman starts jogging down the sidewalk, your eyes will not be on the road. They will be making the McDonalds sign and silently rooting the woman on. Seriously, you can’t look away! What they are, are these floppy things. Essentially like the chest of a man, only fatter and with larger nipples, but it’s impossible to take your eyes off them! Seriously, it’s hypnotizing. Women, you should try that. Go into a crowd of men and try spelling something. B-O-W D-O-W-N, you would move, and the entire crowd would bow down before you, except for the one confused guy in the crowd, scratching his head, and saying “Boh down? Like a bow in your hair? What the hell?”

Anyway. That’s it for this special birthday edition of my Journal. And–my birthday just ended. What a great use of the last ten minutes of it. *sighs*