The Summer of 2005

The Summer of 2005. It’s a matra to me now. Right now I’m stuck on about five levels. I have two major articles (8 pages total) to write by tomorrow morning. I am 4 days behind on two of my recurring projects. I haven’t finished the newsletter for one of my major clients. I’ve been binge-eating.

I feel fat. I feel lazy. I am depressed and anxious and I never quite know how to solve this. But what I’m trying right now is to be the person I was in the Summer of 2005.

What would he have done? Well … stuck in a rut, Rob of June 2005 would have had a lot more failsafes, and he would have a lot less of his identity invested in his job. His work was not who he was, despite the fact that he felt good about it. His plan was that when he got fired he would pick up and move, just for the adventure of it. And he had theater as a backbone to his schedule. He would be at the show; that was a given. Anything else revolved around that timing.

But if he felt horrible, he would have … well, cut himself, probably. I always forget to mention that this happiest of summers is also the time when I was most deeply into self-mutilation. I carved the letters “CYP” into my arm. It stood for “choose your path,” a reminder that I could will myself to do anything.

I would also do yoga and meditate. I would pray. I would seek spiritual equilibrium as a foundation to any further happiness.

I was 18 back then. A self-mutilating theater junkie who didn’t care whether or not he got fired. Who went into debt when he wanted a laptop. But who was so happy.

Okay. I’ll probably skip the cutting, but how about yoga and meditation and then some work. 🙂 We’ll see what I can do.