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I’ve had a great couple of days, at least on an emotional/spiritual level. Physically things aren’t going so great, but let me elaborate a bit.
Couple days ago, after the entry I gave, I did some hard-core meditation, and got a direct link to my subconscious (who we’ll call Earl). Earl had been experiencing a lot of shit, and so I talked it out with him. It worked very well, and really allowed whatever emotional “wounds” I had experienced to heal. This meant that there was room for emotion without fear, and room for trust.
The next night, my g/f and I were texting. She was ill (very ill, poor thing), and like many people, became very sensitive and on edge. She felt the fact that I didn’t drop what I was doing with my friends to come do something she’d told me she didn’t want me to do (because she claimed she wanted me to keep doing things with my friends) implied that I didn’t care and was insensitive. Which she gladly told me, and kind of blew me off. So I called her and got mad at her. Ranted for a bit about how I don’t appreciate being called insensitive, especially after I’d been texting her all throughout my activities that night, I’d offered to come see her, offered to pick her up and take her there, etc. And then I told her that at the same time, more than anything, I wanted to be with her and let her know that she could rely on me. Because I loved her, plain and simple.
I was really being not-so-nice about things, but pretty much I just insisted that she not take her illness out on me. And she felt really bad for the things she said anyway. So, yeah, I ended up going over and picking her up. I’d been wanting to take care of her since she got sick. But we ended up talking a lot, and doing a lot of . . . stuff. And somewhere in the course of all this, I was just blown away by how incredibly in love with her I felt. I couldn’t believe I’d ever doubted her at all. I had those spectacular moments, looking into her eyes, and just feeling taken aback by how beautiful she is and how lucky I am.
I think part of it was just compensating, but I was being really romantic with her. Composing some nice impromptu poetry for her. Just gazing in her eyes, and saying, “My God, how did you do this to me? What sort of witchcraft is this? That I can feel so intoxicated just to look into your eyes. That I can feel so lost in every step I take that you’re not beside me.” That sort of thing. Regardless, summary is, everything is spectacular between my girl and me. And damn, though it’s stupid, things are getting even more serious. The “M” word has kind of been dropped, and we’ve . . . well, kind of discussed the possibility.
Marriage, huh? I tried that before, and it didn’t work out too well for me. I don’t know if things would be different. Regardless, I’m too damn young as it stands. So’s she. We’ve both agreed on that. We both have a lot of life to live before we make that kind of decision. At the same time, we may well just randomly elope, becase that’s the style we’ve been going for. Romantic, spontaneous, unpredictable, etc. I love being with her. We would work spectacularly well together. I wish I could live with her right now.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the long journal entry. Let me sum up everything else. I’ve been feeling very ill myself (stomach illness of some kind), g/f is still sick (more of a throat/chest thing), we’re going to court today for a speeding ticket (mentioned way back in my entries), I’m exhausted, and haven’t done my yoga and meditation in over 24 hours (which is dangerous, and I need to do that again). Oh, and eBay sucks. And I’ve got a flip phone that has some problems. And . . . stuff.
First of all, damn you RT! This is the first, and hopefully only time I will have to say that.
Now, some poetry that’s been in my head and needs to get onto the paper.
Choosing to Fall
Once I hurt so much, I ran for life, I hid–
just curled up in a ball, I slowly wept and bled.
I touched the darkness, yearning for my death,
and slowly paced the days away, awaiting my last breath.
I think back and found I had everything then,
and lost it all in the end.
It means less now, but what it did
was more than anything can give.
But afterwards, I could stand strong–
stronger than ever, I could move on.
More than myself, I could belong,
anywhere with anyone before too long.
I saw the world in all its different hues.
I felt my life collapsed, and then renewed.
Each aspect of my soul like Titans grew.
So free inside, with nothing left to lose.
And now I love again, with passion pure.
Everything was chaos, and now is sure.
My soul has rest, a place to be assured.
These things I was so sure would not return.
And now again I’m filled with passion fierce.
But find, with love, the wounds so soon appear.
My eyes, so dry, must now relearn their tears.
I find the truth of sacrifice is here.
I lived so free, impervious, and unused.
The path before me is very hard to chose.
I know that when this ends I’ll end up bruised.
But still, thank God I have something to lose!
I’m not sure it’s quite as good as it was in my mind. Still, not bad.
I got an e-mail just now from the college I applied to. They’re all like “hey, Rob, come to our college in January” and I’m like “Hell yeah!” And so I’ll be moving to Cedar in January. Better yet, I went to talk to my district manager/associate director at the place I work. I asked “is there a Chrysalis organization in Cedar?” Their reply? “As long as you’re still in good standing, there should be absolutely no problem in transfering you down there.”
So, in conclusion, that totally rocks. I’m applying for FAFSA and scholarships today as well.
Negative of the day? Yeah, I’ve got some. I’m completely emotionally exhausted, I had a weird dream that got me really depressed, I can’t donate plasma because of my recent surgery, and then I called about my deposit that told me I owed money. Pretty much the manager of the place I used to live just got mad at me and called me lazy. That wasn’t cool.
Still, though, today has been a very cool day. Very few things could make it better. Speaking of which, I think I’m going to go make out with my girlfriend now. You’ll excuse me.
I’ve also seen far worse. But let’s go ahead and summarize, and see if I can do it quickly enough that you’ll keep paying attention. Let’s go ahead and start with the bad shit.
*Work is hard because I’m an empath, and one of the people I take care of just went through a tragedy. His girlfriend of almost a decade died in her sleep, with no apparent cause. I keep channeling his pain, I keep crying, and I don’t mean to.
*Right now I feel like hell. I don’t feel at all. Nothing seems quite right inside.
*I feel a burden to my family. I keep having to borrow money, and I hate not feeling like I’m living on my own.
*I’m ridiculously poor. For me to pay off all my debt by the time I would want to (April of next year) I would have to work double the hours that I currently work, and/or be on the receiving end of some sort of miracle. Also, my car is running on empty, and all I have in my fridge is soy milk, a bit of green tea, and a couple pieces of bread (oh, and veganaise).
*I haven’t been sleeping.
Now the good shit.
*I’m still very much in love with my girlfriend. She’s incredibly understanding, and she’s great to be with. I miss her.
*I haven’t been sleeping
*Sponsorships just opened. I think I payed it, but I can’t actually tell. There’s no “sponsorship pending” or anything. That would be useful if there was.
*My writing is going well, and I’m doing a lot of good stuff in applying for school down at SUU.
I think that’s about it. I guess comment how you see fit.
Bobboism of the Day: This is the most sacred and most difficult equilibrium: Go into life headlong, but donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t rush. Give your all, but donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t give yourself up. Be willing to face everything. DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t accept anything without questioning it.
Okay, before I start let me say that I woke up 5 minutes ago, and am therefore a bit emotionally numb (I almost always wake up that way). Now, let me say that the past two days were two of the very best of my entire life.
I am so deeply in love with my girlfriend at this point, and I can’t help it. We decided “Hey, let’s head to Bryce Canyon this weekend.” So we did. The stars were incredible, and it was so great being there with her. We slept in past sunrise, and it took us something like two hours to decide on a place to eat, and by the time we did find a place, it had started raining. Pouring, absolutely frigid rain. So what did we do? We ran through it, arms outstretched. And I absolutely love the sensation of making out in the rain.
So, of course we weren’t going to go hiking in the freezing rain. We decided to head further south to Cedar city instead. We did yoga by a fountain and took a nap on the lawns, watched a performance, then headed back. The adventure of it all was just so incredible. Parts of it couldn’t help but feel surreal. The fact that I’ve found someone who is willing to go on that sort of adventure is incredible.
As a final note on the events, did you know that for going 31 mph over the speed limit you can be threatened with arrest and charged $432 dollars for bail on the highways of Utah? Well, now you do. But this is the kind of lowlight that makes the highlights of life stand out even more, yes?
And I’ve posted a pic of my beautiful daughter in the pictures section! Jeremy, I know you’ve been missing Serenity. Her birthday is on the 22nd, btw.
Bobboism of the Day: Following God will give more joy not only in the hereafter, but in every step. It is sometimes hard to believe, but Gods method is not in giving a system of eternal rewards and punishments, but in showing a constant path to greater joy.
Summary of life and all:
*totally falling in love with this girl I’m with (see pics)
*totally excited about Season 4
*totally into religion–ask me about LDS or Bobboism (my personal beliefs) if you’d like
*going through really bad withdrawals for cutting (39 days clean!)
*going through some pretty harsh depression (it comes and goes)
*writing a lot of really cool stuff (working on a cool novel called Broken Glass)
*going on adventures, including (hopefully) Bryce Canyon this weekend
My life on the whole? 7/10.
Comment as you see fit!
Bobboism for the Day: Find the will and desire to be happy. When you look for reasons to have joy, you will find them.
Okay, so let’s talk about what’s going on. Today, I am once again in this cold place, where my heart is frigid and my soul feels as though it has been soaked in liquid nitrogen. I feel like a fallen angel, and gaze at my back in the mirror, imagining the scars where wings must have once been. Hell yeah. This is depression.
Worst of all, though, I should be brilliantly happy right now. I smile, I smile wide, but I don’t feel it. Which I think is just uncool. Over the week-end I went down to Cedar City, to check out the Shakesperian festival. I spent some great quality time with my family, and realized how much I care about my girlfriend. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
On the way back, we went to Bryce Canyon (which was hella gorgeous. It was inspiring all sorts of sweet poetry). My family did an impromptu hike, which was cool, but I had to do it bare foot, and I got burnt a bit. When I have sunburn I feel exhausted and aggrivated. Then there’s the fact that when I’m in a car for long periods of time (as passenger, not as driver), I start to feel trapped, claustrophobic. Then my younger siblings were being rather hard to deal with, and my mindset just kept descending.
Then when I got home, I called up my girlfriend. Went over to her place, and had one of the more romantic nights of my life. She is incredibly sweet, and brings a smile to my face. It’s hard, you know, caring. Especially when I’m like this, hot and cold within my soul at every shifting of a new dawn. It seems unfair to have her deal with that, but she honestly seems to be okay with it. Which is incredible. It’s frightening–caring, loving, I mean. “Let go of all you fear to lose,” as Yoda says, but that has to be in your mind for it to work. Fear will drive us to the worst mistakes of our lives. I do not believe fear is Godly, even if it is sometimes used as a tool by Him. Regardless, it’s getting to the point that I really would feel quite upset, crushed, if my g/f didn’t stick around, you know? And there’s that odd instinct of fear, not wanting to be hurt, and for me, sometimes I just want to run away. Avoid all pain, all complication, live on my own. Which I can, which I have to, but at the same time, I don’thave to, you know? But I don’t like relying on anyone. I have to remember to live for the now, but it’s hard. It’s really hard. I think some meditation will help me find a good equilibrium. I think I can overcome this fear. Pray for me, eh?
I woke up this morning worse than yesterday, and in the emotional state I’ve outlined. So comment or whatnot. See you in the comments.
Oh, and I’m really eager for sponsorship to open! It isn’t open yet, is it? I’ve been wanting it for a long time, now. They closed the option about three days before I managed to sign up for my account, and then said it’d be back up in mid-July. Unless I’m really screwed up and confused (which I am), it ain’t mid-July any longer!
Oh, and I just noticed. My veins are actually bulging in my wrists. I guess I haven’t gone off on being a masochist, but I’m a cutter and it’s real hard to drop, especially on days like today. It’s been 37 days since I threw my razors away. My mind is frantic, and I feel like giving in would be really nice. Honestly, my body craves it so bad. I didn’t even know the veins could bulge quite like that. Anyway.
Bobboism for the day: Do not give in to fear. There is an odd instinct in the human mind which makes us try and sabotage any good thing we ever acquire.
Copyright © 2017 Rob Blair Writes