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Poem for my Seraphim.

My Girl with the Gypsy Feet

It’s like dancing with the wind.
This sensation, this perfect sensation.
A chill up and down my spine,
knowing that I’m holding something so surreal.
Yeah. Surreal. That’s it. She’s surreal.

Like a phantom. A ghost.
No, that’s not right. A spirit?
That’s better. A sacred spirit
of some ancient diety.
Avatar of infinity.

It’s dangerous, falling for a girl like this.
Unworthy mortals, struck blind to see a God.
But if the Goddess loves you in return?
Fate better than life or death, I suppose.
Fate better than anything.

It’s hard, investing your soul and self.
Knowing that some day she’ll want to run away.
But I love her all the more.

She is the wind. The spirit of it.
We’ll share our thousand adventures,
I pray, before she flies away.

It seems a damnable practice and desire,
but nonetheless, there’s something I must make my aim.
Without her, I feel so incomplete.
I’ll run for her, and chase each time she runs away,
and follow forever the footprints of her gypsy feet.

I love her so much. Anyway, let me give the news of the day. I’m going to send my laptop here off to the depot, so I may not be on for 3-5 business days. Um . . . in other news, I’m the Major General in Pirates of Penzance, it’s friggin’ cold here, and . . . there’s got to be more. Um . . . give me a minute. Nope. Nope, that’s pretty much it. Wait! I may go to massage therapy school because I can’t get scholarships for SUU until I could finish Massage Therapy anyway? That’s good. Makes things sound more complete.

See you in 3-5 business days!

All Is Well in Zion

I’ve had a great couple of days, at least on an emotional/spiritual level. Physically things aren’t going so great, but let me elaborate a bit.

Couple days ago, after the entry I gave, I did some hard-core meditation, and got a direct link to my subconscious (who we’ll call Earl). Earl had been experiencing a lot of shit, and so I talked it out with him. It worked very well, and really allowed whatever emotional “wounds” I had experienced to heal. This meant that there was room for emotion without fear, and room for trust.

The next night, my g/f and I were texting. She was ill (very ill, poor thing), and like many people, became very sensitive and on edge. She felt the fact that I didn’t drop what I was doing with my friends to come do something she’d told me she didn’t want me to do (because she claimed she wanted me to keep doing things with my friends) implied that I didn’t care and was insensitive. Which she gladly told me, and kind of blew me off. So I called her and got mad at her. Ranted for a bit about how I don’t appreciate being called insensitive, especially after I’d been texting her all throughout my activities that night, I’d offered to come see her, offered to pick her up and take her there, etc. And then I told her that at the same time, more than anything, I wanted to be with her and let her know that she could rely on me. Because I loved her, plain and simple.

I was really being not-so-nice about things, but pretty much I just insisted that she not take her illness out on me. And she felt really bad for the things she said anyway. So, yeah, I ended up going over and picking her up. I’d been wanting to take care of her since she got sick. But we ended up talking a lot, and doing a lot of . . . stuff. And somewhere in the course of all this, I was just blown away by how incredibly in love with her I felt. I couldn’t believe I’d ever doubted her at all. I had those spectacular moments, looking into her eyes, and just feeling taken aback by how beautiful she is and how lucky I am.

I think part of it was just compensating, but I was being really romantic with her. Composing some nice impromptu poetry for her. Just gazing in her eyes, and saying, “My God, how did you do this to me? What sort of witchcraft is this? That I can feel so intoxicated just to look into your eyes. That I can feel so lost in every step I take that you’re not beside me.” That sort of thing. Regardless, summary is, everything is spectacular between my girl and me. And damn, though it’s stupid, things are getting even more serious. The “M” word has kind of been dropped, and we’ve . . . well, kind of discussed the possibility.

Marriage, huh? I tried that before, and it didn’t work out too well for me. I don’t know if things would be different. Regardless, I’m too damn young as it stands. So’s she. We’ve both agreed on that. We both have a lot of life to live before we make that kind of decision. At the same time, we may well just randomly elope, becase that’s the style we’ve been going for. Romantic, spontaneous, unpredictable, etc. I love being with her. We would work spectacularly well together. I wish I could live with her right now.

Anyway, I’m sorry for the long journal entry. Let me sum up everything else. I’ve been feeling very ill myself (stomach illness of some kind), g/f is still sick (more of a throat/chest thing), we’re going to court today for a speeding ticket (mentioned way back in my entries), I’m exhausted, and haven’t done my yoga and meditation in over 24 hours (which is dangerous, and I need to do that again). Oh, and eBay sucks. And I’ve got a flip phone that has some problems. And . . . stuff.

Impromptu Poem

First of all, damn you RT! This is the first, and hopefully only time I will have to say that.

Now, some poetry that’s been in my head and needs to get onto the paper.

Choosing to Fall

Once I hurt so much, I ran for life, I hid–
just curled up in a ball, I slowly wept and bled.
I touched the darkness, yearning for my death,
and slowly paced the days away, awaiting my last breath.

I think back and found I had everything then,
and lost it all in the end.
It means less now, but what it did
was more than anything can give.

But afterwards, I could stand strong–
stronger than ever, I could move on.
More than myself, I could belong,
anywhere with anyone before too long.

I saw the world in all its different hues.
I felt my life collapsed, and then renewed.
Each aspect of my soul like Titans grew.
So free inside, with nothing left to lose.

And now I love again, with passion pure.
Everything was chaos, and now is sure.
My soul has rest, a place to be assured.
These things I was so sure would not return.

And now again I’m filled with passion fierce.
But find, with love, the wounds so soon appear.
My eyes, so dry, must now relearn their tears.
I find the truth of sacrifice is here.

I lived so free, impervious, and unused.
The path before me is very hard to chose.
I know that when this ends I’ll end up bruised.
But still, thank God I have something to lose!

I’m not sure it’s quite as good as it was in my mind. Still, not bad.


I got an e-mail just now from the college I applied to. They’re all like “hey, Rob, come to our college in January” and I’m like “Hell yeah!” And so I’ll be moving to Cedar in January. Better yet, I went to talk to my district manager/associate director at the place I work. I asked “is there a Chrysalis organization in Cedar?” Their reply? “As long as you’re still in good standing, there should be absolutely no problem in transfering you down there.”
So, in conclusion, that totally rocks. I’m applying for FAFSA and scholarships today as well.

Negative of the day? Yeah, I’ve got some. I’m completely emotionally exhausted, I had a weird dream that got me really depressed, I can’t donate plasma because of my recent surgery, and then I called about my deposit that told me I owed money. Pretty much the manager of the place I used to live just got mad at me and called me lazy. That wasn’t cool.

Still, though, today has been a very cool day. Very few things could make it better. Speaking of which, I think I’m going to go make out with my girlfriend now. You’ll excuse me.

I’ve seen better days.

I’ve also seen far worse. But let’s go ahead and summarize, and see if I can do it quickly enough that you’ll keep paying attention. Let’s go ahead and start with the bad shit.

*Work is hard because I’m an empath, and one of the people I take care of just went through a tragedy. His girlfriend of almost a decade died in her sleep, with no apparent cause. I keep channeling his pain, I keep crying, and I don’t mean to.
*Right now I feel like hell. I don’t feel at all. Nothing seems quite right inside.
*I feel a burden to my family. I keep having to borrow money, and I hate not feeling like I’m living on my own.
*I’m ridiculously poor. For me to pay off all my debt by the time I would want to (April of next year) I would have to work double the hours that I currently work, and/or be on the receiving end of some sort of miracle. Also, my car is running on empty, and all I have in my fridge is soy milk, a bit of green tea, and a couple pieces of bread (oh, and veganaise).
*I haven’t been sleeping.

Now the good shit.

*I’m still very much in love with my girlfriend. She’s incredibly understanding, and she’s great to be with. I miss her.
*I haven’t been sleeping
*Sponsorships just opened. I think I payed it, but I can’t actually tell. There’s no “sponsorship pending” or anything. That would be useful if there was.
*My writing is going well, and I’m doing a lot of good stuff in applying for school down at SUU.

I think that’s about it. I guess comment how you see fit.

Bobboism of the Day: This is the most sacred and most difficult equilibrium: Go into life headlong, but don’t rush. Give your all, but don’t give yourself up. Be willing to face everything. Don’t accept anything without questioning it.

Eternal Memories

Okay, before I start let me say that I woke up 5 minutes ago, and am therefore a bit emotionally numb (I almost always wake up that way). Now, let me say that the past two days were two of the very best of my entire life.

I am so deeply in love with my girlfriend at this point, and I can’t help it. We decided “Hey, let’s head to Bryce Canyon this weekend.” So we did. The stars were incredible, and it was so great being there with her. We slept in past sunrise, and it took us something like two hours to decide on a place to eat, and by the time we did find a place, it had started raining. Pouring, absolutely frigid rain. So what did we do? We ran through it, arms outstretched. And I absolutely love the sensation of making out in the rain.

So, of course we weren’t going to go hiking in the freezing rain. We decided to head further south to Cedar city instead. We did yoga by a fountain and took a nap on the lawns, watched a performance, then headed back. The adventure of it all was just so incredible. Parts of it couldn’t help but feel surreal. The fact that I’ve found someone who is willing to go on that sort of adventure is incredible.

As a final note on the events, did you know that for going 31 mph over the speed limit you can be threatened with arrest and charged $432 dollars for bail on the highways of Utah? Well, now you do. But this is the kind of lowlight that makes the highlights of life stand out even more, yes?

And I’ve posted a pic of my beautiful daughter in the pictures section! Jeremy, I know you’ve been missing Serenity. Her birthday is on the 22nd, btw.

Bobboism of the Day: Following God will give more joy not only in the hereafter, but in every step. It is sometimes hard to believe, but Gods method is not in giving a system of eternal rewards and punishments, but in showing a constant path to greater joy.

Because you won’t read long entries.

Summary of life and all:
*totally falling in love with this girl I’m with (see pics)
*totally excited about Season 4
*totally into religion–ask me about LDS or Bobboism (my personal beliefs) if you’d like
*going through really bad withdrawals for cutting (39 days clean!)
*going through some pretty harsh depression (it comes and goes)
*writing a lot of really cool stuff (working on a cool novel called Broken Glass)
*going on adventures, including (hopefully) Bryce Canyon this weekend

My life on the whole? 7/10.
Comment as you see fit!

Bobboism for the Day: Find the will and desire to be happy. When you look for reasons to have joy, you will find them.