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Okay, so let’s talk about what’s going on. Today, I am once again in this cold place, where my heart is frigid and my soul feels as though it has been soaked in liquid nitrogen. I feel like a fallen angel, and gaze at my back in the mirror, imagining the scars where wings must have once been. Hell yeah. This is depression.
Worst of all, though, I should be brilliantly happy right now. I smile, I smile wide, but I don’t feel it. Which I think is just uncool. Over the week-end I went down to Cedar City, to check out the Shakesperian festival. I spent some great quality time with my family, and realized how much I care about my girlfriend. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
On the way back, we went to Bryce Canyon (which was hella gorgeous. It was inspiring all sorts of sweet poetry). My family did an impromptu hike, which was cool, but I had to do it bare foot, and I got burnt a bit. When I have sunburn I feel exhausted and aggrivated. Then there’s the fact that when I’m in a car for long periods of time (as passenger, not as driver), I start to feel trapped, claustrophobic. Then my younger siblings were being rather hard to deal with, and my mindset just kept descending.
Then when I got home, I called up my girlfriend. Went over to her place, and had one of the more romantic nights of my life. She is incredibly sweet, and brings a smile to my face. It’s hard, you know, caring. Especially when I’m like this, hot and cold within my soul at every shifting of a new dawn. It seems unfair to have her deal with that, but she honestly seems to be okay with it. Which is incredible. It’s frightening–caring, loving, I mean. “Let go of all you fear to lose,” as Yoda says, but that has to be in your mind for it to work. Fear will drive us to the worst mistakes of our lives. I do not believe fear is Godly, even if it is sometimes used as a tool by Him. Regardless, it’s getting to the point that I really would feel quite upset, crushed, if my g/f didn’t stick around, you know? And there’s that odd instinct of fear, not wanting to be hurt, and for me, sometimes I just want to run away. Avoid all pain, all complication, live on my own. Which I can, which I have to, but at the same time, I don’thave to, you know? But I don’t like relying on anyone. I have to remember to live for the now, but it’s hard. It’s really hard. I think some meditation will help me find a good equilibrium. I think I can overcome this fear. Pray for me, eh?
I woke up this morning worse than yesterday, and in the emotional state I’ve outlined. So comment or whatnot. See you in the comments.
Oh, and I’m really eager for sponsorship to open! It isn’t open yet, is it? I’ve been wanting it for a long time, now. They closed the option about three days before I managed to sign up for my account, and then said it’d be back up in mid-July. Unless I’m really screwed up and confused (which I am), it ain’t mid-July any longer!
Oh, and I just noticed. My veins are actually bulging in my wrists. I guess I haven’t gone off on being a masochist, but I’m a cutter and it’s real hard to drop, especially on days like today. It’s been 37 days since I threw my razors away. My mind is frantic, and I feel like giving in would be really nice. Honestly, my body craves it so bad. I didn’t even know the veins could bulge quite like that. Anyway.
Bobboism for the day: Do not give in to fear. There is an odd instinct in the human mind which makes us try and sabotage any good thing we ever acquire.
It strikes me that I have not let any o’ y’all in on the secrets of Bobboism. Bobboism is my set of beliefs, combining my beliefs in the LDS (Mormon) religion, my Taoist beliefs, and my personal beliefs on life. I realized that this may ACTUALLY be of some interest to you. So, I make another journal entry, perhaps sooner than I should (check out my last 2 or so at least, they’re real good), to tell you about this lifestyle.
A lot of what Bobboism is, is guidance on a personal path. It is my feelings, the way I believe. It is being aware of yourself and your spirit, and conquering the world that sleeps. It is finding adventure and happiness in an adventurous life, and finding adventure in even the simplest things. Here are a few of the aspects of my Dogmas:
“Never make promises, and never, ever break them.”
“DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t expect anything. Not of yourself, or of those around you. Expect something of yourself, and you will become critical, and stop doing it for the sake of wanting it. Expect things of others, and you begin to take them for granted, and you become selfish.”
“Be aware of the angels watching over you.”
“There is no emotion so contagious as anger. If someone displays symptoms, and you are not in a position to provide a cure, you must leave quickly or you will be likely to fall to the illness.”
“Accept the joyous moments in your life with open arms. They may be fleeting, and the shadow of pain may be only seconds behind, but while they are there the precious gems of the heart, are the greatest thing we can possess.”
“Find variety in each new day. If you get stuck in the same rhythm with the same activities, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s easy to forget that youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re still alive.”
“Do not give in to temptation in the slightest. Even a crack can let the ocean in.”
“We love the people who: take care of us, want us to be safe, want us to be happy, donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t disrupt our life and our plans, help us accomplish the things we want to accomplish, and help us improve in life. Make yourself into someone you can love.”
“Scream! Remind the world you’re still alive.”
These are just a few aspects of my beliefs. Each one has further explanation. It goes deeper, exploring the world inside compared to the world outside, becoming connected with yourself, gaining consistency, finding gratitude, not being bound by time or space, and much more. If you’re interested, have any questions or comments, place them here. I intend to put much of this into a book called “The Mortal Dilema” some day, but until then, I’d love your comments and contributions.
Oh, and if you want me to post more of my dogmas, just tell me so, and I’ll do that. Possibly in the comments.
Yesterday’s entry is cooler than this, I think. I’m less numb now, btw. We’ll see how things progress. But I wrote this, and I thought I’d share it.
Most people donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t understand the sensation of waking up dead.
Of waking up and not knowing whether you have or not.
The sensation of staring at your ceiling for the entire day.
The desire for dreams where you can at least pretend to be real.
Most people just donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get what it feels like when your heart goes numb.
Like novocain in the back of your head, spreading all the way down to your feet,
and liquid nitrogen drenching your all ready frigid soul.
Most people wouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get it if I said Ã¢â‚¬Å“ice-age of existence.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Most people donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get how voices can worry Ã¢â‚¬Å“what if you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t care?Ã¢â‚¬Â
Because most people know when they care, or feel, or love.
Most people can feel the warmth of the sun when theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re in it.
And quite frankly, most people are lucky.
If youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever smiled and laughed and not felt an ounce of it,
if youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever screamed as loud as you can, just hoping youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll feel,
if youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever craved for that violin symphony of razor on wrist,
then I guess just know youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re not alone.
Open to commentary. Have fun, all!
Hee hee. Man, it was great. Yesterday, my family was doing random acitvities together (family home evening, any o’ y’all who practice that sort of thing), and we were playing this rhythm rhyming game. And I used one of the illegal words, and my mom replied “there aren’t any words that rhyme with orange, you S.O.B.” Hee hee. It’s funny.
Anywho, I’m actually completely fucking numb today. No emotion at all. Any depression kids among you? Yeah, it’s that. It takes a lot to get my life in a steady balance, and I kinda skipped out for two days, and continually drained until now, I’m in a dark place filled with ice. My soul is frigid, struggling to be real. Pretty neat, huh? I think at least some o’ y’all will understand that.
Meantime, any of you keeping up on my life otherwise, I’m recovering brilliantly from my surgery, and looking forward to be able to lift weights again. My romance is going great, and this girl, Seraphim, is just incredible. I mean, obviously in my frigid state it’s tough to sense my own emotions, but man, I’m very tempted to use a word that I haven’t used in a long time to describe my emotions, eh? She almost slipped the same word last night. “Especially with someone I lo–” she said, flinched, looked away, and then said “with someone I care about as much as I care about you.” Things are going wonderfully, in that and every aspect of my life (other than today’s emotional numbness). So there you go. Can you detect that I might have emotional problems? Mood swings? Good for you. I’m going to go do stuff now. Bye.
Yeah, so here’s my life update (because I know so many of you are waiting, every day, to see what I’ve been up to. The simple fact is that no one on here really cares what’s going on in my life, and I never got modded, and I hardly ever get messages. Regardless). Today I have been in a very pissy mood. I really wish I had someone I could fight with. I do actually have someone I could call, he’s always up for a fight, but he’s beat me 5/5 times, and he’s simply out of my league. Plus, I’m still recovering from surgery, so it probably wouldn’t be that good. I actually have two fights scheduled, which should be a blast. They should be pretty even, too.
I’ve been having a hard time dealing with a lot of things today. People are idiots. I’ve come to accept that fact.
Actually, things in my life really rock, despite my current mood. There’s a girl who I’m very interested in and who I really like, and somehow the feeling is mutual. You’re all saying “who cares” but for me, this is really nice. Regardless, we’ve been out twice now, and are planning to do things both tomorrow and the next day.
This has led me to try and control my baser urges a little bit. In other words, my conscience has attempted to spread into other areas of my life besides direct sin. For example, the voice will go something like this. Don’t you check out that girl, Rob. Don’t you do it. No, don’t you–aw, come on. orDon’t you look at that woman’s ass. Don’t you do it Rob. Come on, this shouldn’t be that–oh, for Buddah’s sake. Or something like Don’t you stare at that woman’s breasts, now, Rob. Don’t do it. Oh, jeese, Rob, you have no self control. Now stop staring. Come on, stop staring Rob. She’s realized you’re staring. Oh, come on!
I think that’s pretty much my update. I’m just kind of pissed off at the moment. In the kind of nice state where I don’t give a fuck about anything, including you and what you may be thinking. I’ll be back to nicer Rob by tomorrow, but this mood does have its advantages.
Downing 12 glasses of Cranberry Cocktail as a Nicole Kidman look-alike sits on her computer half way across the globe, teaching me how to be seductive!
You can too! Ask me how.
All right, so I did this MSN Myspace thing. Which is probably good if you want to know more about me. Also, I’m writing a blog there. I still haven’t figured out what the hell that is. What is a blog? What am I supposed to say? I mean, this a journal. I know what I’m supposed to say here. I tell what’s going on, and then I do other random stuff. That’s easy. But a blog–I don’t know, man, it just has me confused. Regardless, here’s the link. Check it out.
My MSN Space
And since I know that no one really goes through and reads the poems from the poetry section (either in books or art), I figured hell, I’ll show you some of my cool stuff here. And by cool stuff I mean poetry (perverts).
Here’s a poem that I wrote during some pretty tough times. (That was clarification in case any of you are kind of slow. It’s okay, I understand, I am too). +Mod if you like it.
The thundering torrents and waves of fear
among a million other thoughts
swarm and envelope, fighting for supremacy.
Now I understand the symbolism of sleeping beauty.
I woke from dreaming to far greater dream,
yet after my salvation, I must fall to pain.
It seems my only hope is sleeping once again.
I suppose there are advantages,
to these, my darkest days.
If I survive, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll have empathy to everything.
At last, I understand real pain.
A broken heart, a thousand callous screaming voices
drowning out the soul.
And the way your wrists can hunger.
I suppose, then, the question that remains is
will I make it through? Is it even possible?
Where will I make it to?
Where is this prophesied path?
Where will it lead?
I walk on, tired and weary,
hoping only that some day the darkness will disperse,
my fear will dissipate,
and whatever path I find myself on,
will be something less than this tormented hell.
Yeah, I think that’s it. Message me and stuff. As of yet, I haven’t denied a friend request (though I try to at least talk to the person and figure out who they are, first). I’m pretty damn cool, so you should probably + mod me and worship me and stuff. I don’t know, though, it’s up to you.
Copyright © 2018 Rob Blair Writes